The Year in Yeechy Movies...

Here's a great article from SHOOTING GALLERY buddy Steven Hunter, who lives a bizarre double life as ace thriller writer (PALE HORSE COMING, HAVANA) and as the movie critic for the Washington Post, on 2004's awful movies. Yeah, you gotta sign up at the Post, but do what I always do — lie. Steve is, as usual, right on target. It has been an awful year for movies:

"That's the good news: They used to know how to make 'em.

Here's the bad news: They forgot.

You can look at the release schedule for 2004 and the sad reality soon announces itself. This was the year Hollywood crashed and burned."

I love movies...I studied them in college (which beat the hell out of real scholarship) and actually made one five-minute film that convinced me I didn't have anything to say in that medium. I have spent many happy hours in darkened theaters, accompanied by popcorn, Coke and, occasionally, female companionship.

Not in 2004. The moves sucked so bad I've purged them from my volatile RAM...not worth remembering. In fact, throughout the year's movies, I've repeatedly sunk into Uma Thurman fantasy, whereby Ms. Thurman appears with her Hattori Hanza sword from the Kill Bill movies and begins a graceful, spinning dance that cuts the heads off everyone in the stupid movie I'm watching.

This fantasy was never more real than in the excreble Oceans 12, sequel to the not bad caper movie remake of the pretty cool Ratpack vehicle. I longed to see Ms. Thurman in motorcyle leathers lop the head off the smarmy weasel George Clooney, blood spurting out of his pencil neck. Brad Pitt, doing his level best to play...Brad Pitt...would receive a diagonal cut from position one to position three, effective splitting him into two equally talented actors. She spins from the Pitts straight into Bernie Mac, who gets the Hanza straight across the midsection in a kurama saki, causing the upper, untalented portion of his body to topple to the floor. Don Cheadle, who, god knows, should know better, is cut off at the knees hizaguchi style, followed by a quick killing stroke to the neck. Matt Damon slips in the blood and falls, but the lovely Ms. Thurman delivers a flawless blow straight to the head as he rises.

As for Catherine Zeta-Jones and Julia Roberts...silly Caucasion girl likes to play with Samurai swords...well, you get the picture. What can I say? It gets me through the night.