Five Things I Don't Give a Damn About

Well after all, it's Sunday. Which, of course, implies the Sunday paper — in my case, the Denver Post. So I let my Sweetie sleep late, fed and watered the zoo and sat down to read said paper, which reminded me of why I don't necessarily read the paper anymore.

Mostly, I was struck by how much "news" isn't even marginally connected to my life...I got through three sections before I started looking for old movies on television and pining for the loss of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I suppose this could be a searing indictment of my inate shallowness, or, as the alt country singer whose name escapes me wrote recently, "Just trying to get through without too much damage..."

Anyhow, in an effort to justify my marginal existance and, hopefully, to ruin some total strangers' day, I started compiling a short list of things I really could care less about, presented here for your edification and/or mortification.

1) College students...yes, those pathetic betwix-and-between human beings sucking up Daddy's money and pretending the Brownian motion of exceptionally stupid quark particles bouncing around the large empty boxcars that pass for their heads are real "thoughts." Lovely column in today's Post on, "How, Oh How, Will I Adjust To The World Outside The Campus?" Answer...don't worry, you'll pick up the knack of rolling burritos at Taco Bell in no time! Lucky you have a degree in Philosophy!

2) Coming of Age Novels...especially "touching" and/or "powerful" coming of age novels. Snore. Nod. We all "came of age," grew up, got laid, and are doing the best we can to hang on. Flash to sensitive young writers...someone has already written Catcher in the Rye, and, frankly, you are not that good. Instead of more coming of age drivel, why don't you write sensitive moving poetry and read it to college students?

3) Illegal Immigrants...yes yes, I know lots of American businesses run on your labor, and I'm looking forward to the owners of those businesses talkng the ole perp walk. As far as your "rights," sorry Charlie, you ain't Americans; you don't get the whole enchilada. You don't like it, go back to whatever miserable cesspool you escaped from. And, hey, bringing major cities to a traffic standstill tomorrow is an EXCELLENT way to get American citizens like me on your side! Keep it up, and you'll get Tom Tancredo elected as Maximum Dictator for Life!

4) Tom Cruise...ENOUGH! ENOUGH! Yes, he's probably crazy as a shithouse rat! Yes, Katie Holmes is being held against her will, hooked up to some giant machine that's translating her brainwaves into binary bytes and beaming them out into space. Yes, they named their baby Damien and he/she/it is being protected by packs of mutant Rottweilers dripping poison from massive fangs...please stop...I can't take it anymore...

5) Lawn Ornaments...look, I don't care if it is finally Spring! Keep your gnomes, hobbits, trolls, fawns, faeries — except, of course, for those slutty Eastern European faeries — spinny plastic daisies, fake rocks with Chinese glyphs and any creature that has ever had a starring roll in a cartoon inside! And don't talk about them, no matter what. Even if Jack Bauer shows up at your house with a soldering iron and a roll of duct tape.

Okay, I feel better!

And BTW, happy WALPURGIS NIGHT! I'm hoping all your witches and warlocks have a successful Revel. Or, as our old pal Goethe liked to say, in Faust:

The broomstick carries, so does the stock;
The pitchfork carries, so does the buck;
Who cannot rise on them tonight,
Remains for aye a luckless wight.

Me, I'm just going to hang a few cloves of garlic in front of my doors, toss a little holy water on the 5.56 cartridges and watch that Tom Selleck movie (watch for Mr. Tom's fleeting references to GUNSITE!). Oh, if necessary, I suppose I could sacrifice something...maybe a lawn ornament.