Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Michael's New Year's Resolutions

Well, I thought it only made sense. If I shovel any more snow, I am going to lose my mind, anyway.

1) I will stop saying things like, "You know, if you run over a college student, you only get a quarter-point..." Then again, can you really offend a college student? It's like insulting cockroaches...even if they get it, they don't care. Okay, forget that one.

2) I will try to remember that Rosie O'Donnell is a person, too. Or is she? If I recall from high school, there are seven criteria for a lump of something to be dubbed "a living organism," and I'm pretty sure Rosie can only get to Number 3. Again, it's been a while since high school, but I don't think "excessive body hair" and "grotesque expressions" are anywhere on the list. Scrap that one, too.

3) I will scrape the "STUPID KILLS, BUT NOT NEARLY ENOUGH" bumper sticker off my car. OTOH, maybe I could just paste over it with my new "INFIDEL" bumper sticker.

4) I will listen to other people's side of the argument and strive to understand, even if those other people are demonstrably cretins, as they almost always are.

5) I will not prejudge people who drool, fart in public, spend a disproportionate amount of time scratching their private parts, discuss how "hot" certain animal species are, exhibit a purient interest in Paris Hilton or are Democrats.

6) I will not say or write anything mean about Today Show co-host Ann Curry, even though her IQ is apparently tied to plummeting housing prices.

7) I will finally figure out how to reassemble that .32 auto I took apart in 1983.

8) I will take down the Christmas lights in a timely manner if it freakin' kills me!

9) I will go to at least one movie in 2007 that doesn't include 1) a car chase, 2) a sword fight, 3) Bruce Willis, 4) Sarah Michelle Geller, 5) any combination of the words "blood," "beast," "saw," "drill (including drill-press)," "co-ed," "knife," or "sleep away camp," and/or 6) explosions.

10) I will be a better person...really...no honest...

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:14 AM

    Do you mind if I adopt your criteria for selecting a movie. I think you list covered just about everything I saw last year.

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  2. Anonymous7:40 PM

    Unplugged the Christmas lights this afternoon, but didn't take them down. Not until all the fargin snow melts! Another storm coming at us (who will not be in Orlando) late Thursday/early Friday. Enjoy the Show (ouch!).

    OldeForce

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