I'm Thinking of Starting My Own Climate Research Facility!

I'm thinking this could be a fun and lucrative business to be in...after all, it doesn't seem to require much computer (or brain) horsepower to get into and, after after all all, Al Gore made $100 million. I'd be going for a much smaller number.

To get started, this morning I waded through the snow in the Back 40 to a tree stump from last season's beetle culling. I got down on my knees and stared at the tree rings and even counted them up to 11, where they got too narrowy. I went back inside and entered the size of each tree ring, as measured by an authentic metal newspaper "pica pole" (measures in points and picas for greater accuracy) in an Xcel spreadsheet with all the average temperatures I could remember, by month, all the way back to 1950, when I was born. I then extrapolated average annual temperatures back to the time of the dinosaurs using Disney movies and the Old Testament as counterbalances to ensure accuracy. Finally, using pi (all warm and apple-y) as a constant, I calculated the average temperature rise to be expected between now and 2012, carefully controlling for the presence of John Cusack and then dividing the resulting calculation by the remaining number of polar bears, which I estimated between 7 and 2830, plus/minus 3.68.

I was stunned by the result!

According to my carefully constructed planetary model, temperatures in Wisconsin and as far south as Springfield, IL, could reach absolute zero, -459.67 degrees Fahrenheit, plus or minus a bit, by September 2012! Either that, or it will be warm and partly cloudy, which a 20% chance of showers...it depends on which eye I close when I run the model.

I want to get my model and the dire predictions peer-reviewed, but I can't seem to reach Pee Wee Herman and George Carlin is dead.

More as the crisis develops! Help me Save the Earth!