Christmas Eve

I'm watching a CBS Sunday Morning on people who build gigantic dollhouses, including a huge bordello, and I'm thinking that I may have missed a critical turnoff on life's highway. My life would have been much easier if I had decided at an early age to dedicate my life to dollhouses instead of random hardware. I would be able to bring people into my home and shwo then, say, my meticulous recreation of the Overlook Hotel in The Shining, complete with faux blood and a teeny-tiny ax driven through a door.

I'd take people into my basement to show them the work-in-process, a stunning recreation of the Clinton White House. I'd have a little Monica Lewinsky on her knees under Bill's big ole desk while Bubba worked the phones, Hillary in the basement wearing a tall pointy hat and stirring a huge cauldren with little faux hands and legs sticking out of it and child Chelsea upstairs with her therapist, begging to be adopted by Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, who would be presented as little Goth angels hovering outside the window.

This is why I should never take holidays off work...as the Who once noted, "Sickness will surely take the mind where minds don't usually go..." For good reason. Of course, I don't have any work, except approving SHOOTING GALLERYs and COWBOYS for next season and working on the new webcast product I'll be rolling out in 2007. I want to be able to give you guys more than I can in a 30-minute TV show...it'll be 'way cool! I could go shovel snow, but...

Have a totally calm Christmas Eve, and for those of you like me, who are now considering shopping, remember that lingerie only comes in one color — black — and that the safest bet is to include diamond earrings to take some of the heat off the fur-lined handcuffs. For you women out there, if your guy asked for boxers imprinted with the slogan, "Home of the WHOPPER!" on the front, your Christmas present should be a single plane ticket in your name to Maui..the hell with him. Otherwise, if you've waited this long, get him a box of Godiva chocolates...he'll fawn all over the gift, and you can eat them...Tuesday, he can go to Home Depot and buy his own damn cordless drill!