Michael's New Year's Resolutions

Well, I thought it only made sense. If I shovel any more snow, I am going to lose my mind, anyway.

1) I will stop saying things like, "You know, if you run over a college student, you only get a quarter-point..." Then again, can you really offend a college student? It's like insulting cockroaches...even if they get it, they don't care. Okay, forget that one.

2) I will try to remember that Rosie O'Donnell is a person, too. Or is she? If I recall from high school, there are seven criteria for a lump of something to be dubbed "a living organism," and I'm pretty sure Rosie can only get to Number 3. Again, it's been a while since high school, but I don't think "excessive body hair" and "grotesque expressions" are anywhere on the list. Scrap that one, too.

3) I will scrape the "STUPID KILLS, BUT NOT NEARLY ENOUGH" bumper sticker off my car. OTOH, maybe I could just paste over it with my new "INFIDEL" bumper sticker.

4) I will listen to other people's side of the argument and strive to understand, even if those other people are demonstrably cretins, as they almost always are.

5) I will not prejudge people who drool, fart in public, spend a disproportionate amount of time scratching their private parts, discuss how "hot" certain animal species are, exhibit a purient interest in Paris Hilton or are Democrats.

6) I will not say or write anything mean about Today Show co-host Ann Curry, even though her IQ is apparently tied to plummeting housing prices.

7) I will finally figure out how to reassemble that .32 auto I took apart in 1983.

8) I will take down the Christmas lights in a timely manner if it freakin' kills me!

9) I will go to at least one movie in 2007 that doesn't include 1) a car chase, 2) a sword fight, 3) Bruce Willis, 4) Sarah Michelle Geller, 5) any combination of the words "blood," "beast," "saw," "drill (including drill-press)," "co-ed," "knife," or "sleep away camp," and/or 6) explosions.

10) I will be a better person...really...no honest...