06 · 06 · 06

"When the moon is in the seventh house
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love is in the stars!"

WHOOPS, wrong prophecy! Sorry about that, Satan's Minions wherever you might be! How do you get a job as a "minion," anyway? Is there an education requirement? Job experience? Willingness to have carnal relations with a goat and/or Paris Hilton? I suppose I could go to Monster.com and look it up, but I think today should be a festive day...both me and Charlie Petty have our revolvers stoked up with silver bullets coated with garlic and lard, so we're ready for either jihadists — no more than six, please! — or the Undead, whichever comes first. Of course, we pray we won't have to use the piece, because...silver is expensive!

Well, for a guy with an email address that includes "666," it's a Big Day. Later this afternoon, I plan to sacrifice an innocent margarita on the savage alter of thirst. But since the Apocalypse is clearly at hand, I thought I'd recap the Seven Signs of the Coming Endo, just in case you missed any:

10: The cancellation of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
9: The marriage of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.
8. The adoption of a 9mm handgun by the U.S. military.
7. The birth of the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes Demon Child.
6. The return of strip joints to the Vegas Strip.
5. The election of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Governor of Sodom-on-the-Pacific.
4. The death of Buck Owens.
3. The re-election of Ray Naglin in New Orleans.
2. The return of Paula Abdul.
1. Hillary Clinton.