My Job Application for AMERICAN RIFLEMAN

AMERICAN RIFLEMAN has an Associate Editor position open, and after a lot of soul (not to mention "sole") searching, I have decided to apply. Here's my letter to AMERICAN RIFLEMAN Ed-in-Chief Mark Keefe. All you people who are applying for jobs, you might want to take notes...THIS is an application letter!

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To Mark Keefe;

I wanna be the new Associate Editor of AMERICAN RIFLEMAN!!! Pick me! Pick me! I'm jumping up and down shouting, "Pick me! Pick me!" I am the only "DO-IT-ALL" candidate in the Whole Wide World!!!

I can TALK TACTICAL:

"When it comes down to terminal ballistics of the 7.62 v. the 5.56, you can suck on all the ballistic gelatin you want until it runs down your chin and gums up your Taliban homeboy beard, but real operators know that on the ground, the proof is in the pudding...and that's a pudding made of puree de brain and 168-grains of screaming death..."

I can DO FOLKSY HISTORY:

"In the days when buffalo roamed the great American Plains like fleas across the back of yo' daddy's blue tick hound, the only thing between a buffalo hunter and a miserable dinner of year-old beef jerky soaked in his own steaming piss and marinated over a buffalo chip fire was the mighty .54 caliber Sharps rifle..."

I can whip up WILEY CLAPP REDUX:

"In all my years of law enforcement, I never once saw a .357 round shot from any revolver that would cause a full size automobile to flip over on its back, slide more than 200 yards and explode into flames. Although, to be fair, I once saw a mortally wounded Yugo sigh heavily to one side and roll over when hit with a 158-grain round nose lead .38 from a vintage S&W Chief's Special. I believe, however, the Yugo had been previously wounded."

I can fantastically recreate MR. COLION NOIR:

"I like this rifle. No, I think I love this rifle. It handles like a rifle should, more like a rocket ship than a banana. I could carry this rifle to any bathroom in America, prop it against the back corner  right behind the toilet and do my ablutions while remaining on the sleek, cutting edge of readiness..."

I can channel RICHARD MANN:

"The trees had just started to change from summer green to that almost translucent green-gold just before the autumnal explosion of yellows, golds and red. As I pulled my worn Carhartt jacket off the hook on the wall, I thought, 'Is the ballistic coefficient of Hornaday 50-grain V-Max in a 22-250 Remington the reason that round can achieve .223 levels of velocity and power from what amounts to an aging cartridge' The coat felt like an old friend..."

I can even do a credible MARKIE MARK KEEFE:

"Weeks before America was thrust into the swirling vortex of the second great world war, the War Department was concerned over the available numbers of what would become "the greatest battle implement ever devised," the M1 Garand. But to truly understand the Garand, we need to start with the buttstock..."

I know me some ENGLISH GRAMMAR:

"The AR-15 platform, that is actually more popular than your sister among the football team, is, to be perfectly clear, really, really old which sucks."

I believe I can TOTALLY REVIVE the flagging "Armed Citizen" column:

"The goblin came in through the bathroom window, which sounds far more rhythmic than the actual event. He pulled on yellow rubber gloves — not the thin ones like your doctor uses on your behind parts, but the real deal, Mr. Clean, blood-resistant $3.95 at Walmart version. Little did he know that Susie Homemaker had heard the sound of shattering glass, not to mention the "thud" as the goblin tripped over the toilet and fell into the bathtub. She had quickly armed herself with a Kahr Arms P45 with Night Sights (KP4543N), 6 + 1 rounds of thundering 950 feet per second 230 grains of +P Corbon Self-Defense JHP (SD45230) in a DAO package locked breech Browning -type recoil lugged, passive striker blocked, magazine disconnected, polygonal rifled handful of death ($921 MSRP, but BTW YMMV). She was ready..."

I am the ONLY CANDIDATE with these kinds of AWESOME CAPABILITIES. Plus, I have my own car, will work for less than the Second Assistant Burrito Chef at Taco Bell, and personally knew Colonel Jeff Cooper.

I am awaiting your inevitable call.

Mike "Butch" Bane 

(sorry about the "Butch," but "Duke" was apparently already taken)