Easy On; Easy Off

I woke up this morning thinking how much better and more fulfilled I would be if I had an accessory rail, one of those four-sided jobbies made for ARs that would allow me to attach lights, lasers, blenders, coffee grinders, grenade launchers, weed whackers, etc. to myself. I was thinking sleepily about maybe replacing my left arm, then doing a SureFire commercial. Luckily, I came fully awake before I could make contact with rogue surgeons in Uzbekistan on the Internet.

First though, let's address the issue of walking sharks:

Two of the new species are members of the epaulette shark family, which distinguishes itself by sometimes using its fins to scamper away. Their name comes from the fact that they have two large round spots near their heads that look like epaulettes, the shoulder ornaments on military uniforms.

That was from MSNBC, who keeps tabs on such things. My fear is that a vicious combination of global warming driven by Al Gore's endless speecifying and hormone runoff from LA nip/tuck emporiums will create a breed of super-sharks that can walk on land, thus eeriely echoing a Saturday Night Live skit from the 1970s.

From there, we race to China, where the first penis transplant has apparently gone limp. From the UK Guardian:

Although the operation was a surgical success, surgeons said they had to remove the penis two weeks later. "Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off," Dr Hu said. An examination of the organ showed no signs of it being rejected by the body.

Hmmmmm...perhaps the penis had taken on a life of its own, a la the wretched 1981 science fiction film The Hand. This is sooooooooooooooo Hollywood! I see Ben Allkeck in the lead role, with Robn Williams as the penis. The love interest would, of course, be Jessica Alba, who has the rare ability to look askance at a talking penis.

Which, of course, brings us back to accessory rails.