Wednesday, March 19, 2014

My Job Application for AMERICAN RIFLEMAN

AMERICAN RIFLEMAN has an Associate Editor position open, and after a lot of soul (not to mention "sole") searching, I have decided to apply. Here's my letter to AMERICAN RIFLEMAN Ed-in-Chief Mark Keefe. All you people who are applying for jobs, you might want to take notes...THIS is an application letter!

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To Mark Keefe;

I wanna be the new Associate Editor of AMERICAN RIFLEMAN!!! Pick me! Pick me! I'm jumping up and down shouting, "Pick me! Pick me!" I am the only "DO-IT-ALL" candidate in the Whole Wide World!!!

I can TALK TACTICAL:
"When it comes down to terminal ballistics of the 7.62 v. the 5.56, you can suck on all the ballistic gelatin you want until it runs down your chin and gums up your Taliban homeboy beard, but real operators know that on the ground, the proof is in the pudding...and that's a pudding made of puree de brain and 168-grains of screaming death..."
I can DO FOLKSY HISTORY:
"In the days when buffalo roamed the great American Plains like fleas across the back of yo' daddy's blue tick hound, the only thing between a buffalo hunter and a miserable dinner of year-old beef jerky soaked in his own steaming piss and marinated over a buffalo chip fire was the mighty .54 caliber Sharps rifle..."
I can whip up WILEY CLAPP REDUX:
"In all my years of law enforcement, I never once saw a .357 round shot from any revolver that would cause a full size automobile to flip over on its back, slide more than 200 yards and explode into flames. Although, to be fair, I once saw a mortally wounded Yugo sigh heavily to one side and roll over when hit with a 158-grain round nose lead .38 from a vintage S&W Chief's Special. I believe, however, the Yugo had been previously wounded."
I can fantastically recreate MR. COLION NOIR:
"I like this rifle. No, I think I love this rifle. It handles like a rifle should, more like a rocket ship than a banana. I could carry this rifle to any bathroom in America, prop it against the back corner  right behind the toilet and do my ablutions while remaining on the sleek, cutting edge of readiness..."
I can channel RICHARD MANN:
"The trees had just started to change from summer green to that almost translucent green-gold just before the autumnal explosion of yellows, golds and red. As I pulled my worn Carhartt jacket off the hook on the wall, I thought, 'Is the ballistic coefficient of Hornaday 50-grain V-Max in a 22-250 Remington the reason that round can achieve .223 levels of velocity and power from what amounts to an aging cartridge' The coat felt like an old friend..."
I can even do a credible MARKIE MARK KEEFE:
"Weeks before America was thrust into the swirling vortex of the second great world war, the War Department was concerned over the available numbers of what would become "the greatest battle implement ever devised," the M1 Garand. But to truly understand the Garand, we need to start with the buttstock..."
I know me some ENGLISH GRAMMAR:
"The AR-15 platform, that is actually more popular than your sister among the football team, is, to be perfectly clear, really, really old which sucks."
I believe I can TOTALLY REVIVE the flagging "Armed Citizen" column:
"The goblin came in through the bathroom window, which sounds far more rhythmic than the actual event. He pulled on yellow rubber gloves — not the thin ones like your doctor uses on your behind parts, but the real deal, Mr. Clean, blood-resistant $3.95 at Walmart version. Little did he know that Susie Homemaker had heard the sound of shattering glass, not to mention the "thud" as the goblin tripped over the toilet and fell into the bathtub. She had quickly armed herself with a Kahr Arms P45 with Night Sights (KP4543N), 6 + 1 rounds of thundering 950 feet per second 230 grains of +P Corbon Self-Defense JHP (SD45230) in a DAO package locked breech Browning -type recoil lugged, passive striker blocked, magazine disconnected, polygonal rifled handful of death ($921 MSRP, but BTW YMMV). She was ready..."
I am the ONLY CANDIDATE with these kinds of AWESOME CAPABILITIES. Plus, I have my own car, will work for less than the Second Assistant Burrito Chef at Taco Bell, and personally knew Colonel Jeff Cooper.

I am awaiting your inevitable call.

Mike "Butch" Bane 
(sorry about the "Butch," but "Duke" was apparently already taken)

33 comments:

Eric said...

Let me see your Col. Jeff Cooper and we'll think about it.

:-)

Anonymous said...

Well-played. I would have applied, but it said tele-work was verboten, and I'm not moving there.

PS-I'm willing to hire you to channel Mel Tappan and finish "The NEW Survival Guns." :)

_DonWorsham_ said...

Michael, give it up and go back to work on FTG.

_Don_

Anonymous said...

PTSD? There are folks that can help.

Awtha said...

Ha ha! Not sure I would've picked "Butch" but ok, you go girl! MB you crack me up.

Anonymous said...

Michael,

It's off topic, but I was hoping you could chime in on your podcast regarding the controversy regarding the Oaktree Gun Club and the Armatix "Smart Gun".

I thought it might be of interest to you because of your relationship with the range.


If you need to be brought up to speed, CalGuns has informative threads.

Bill Rushmore said...

The part numbers and MSRP in the "Armed Citizen" was classic.

Tim Craft said...

I am unworthy to be in the mere presence of such greatness. Even if The Countess and I did have a nice discussion about lemonade, brownies, and how much .30-06 ammo one ought to have on hand.

RVN11B said...

Good Lord Mike! That was totally over the top!

Good grins!

kmitch200 said...

You had me at "168-grains of screaming death

I'd say you were a shoo in.
Congrats on the new job! ;)

Anonymous said...

Awesome sauce with a side of AAAAmaaazing!

Moosejaw said...

Funny? I see no channeling of Zumbo, Metcalf or Venola?
As an old fart, I would channel O'Connor (".270, .270, .270"). Keith ("... my .240gr Keith bullets behind xxgrains of 2400 perfect 700 yard dog town medicine") or Askins (the younger)(" killed that VC with the same load I killed those wetbacks on the rio grande").
Gonna Leave it there. Thumb typing on an iphone gets old fast.

Anonymous said...

But can you make good coffee?

Pathfinder said...

You forgot to include the "The lion's cough at 2AM woke me!" line you wrote some years back. Truly scary prose.

Nathan Tinstman said...

thanks i really really needed a laugh this morning... loved it!

Jason Mather said...

Simply awesome. Thanks!

Kevin HuntingLife said...

I for one would love to see you in this role.

Anonymous said...

I know you have some type of working relationship with Mark, as I have seen him on Gun Stories, but I am wondering if this is an actual jab at his magazine or just a joke between friends.

Michael Bane said...

A joke between friends! Mark and I (and all the other writers I lampooned) have been friends for many many years. AMERICAN RIFLEMAN is unequivocally the best gun magazine on earth, and that credit goes to Mark Keefe's incredibly high standards.

BTW, part of Mark's response to this was, "...And unlike Taco Bell, we do not offer meal discounts or free uniforms. And you have to wear a tie. And if I thought you would work for even more proletarian wages than offered by Outdoor Channel, even for a minute, we’d get you in here...And I think the Wiley excerpt below might be copyrighted material. Naw, I think it’s fair use..."

mb

Anonymous said...

Yet again, Michael proves he's the best writer in the outdoor industry. - PAUL ERHARDT

Anonymous said...

The others will be too jealous of your of your unbelievable talent. You're simply overqualified.

Defens said...

Perhaps when hired you could help Wayne craft more fund-raising letters?

"Obama and his jack-booted thugs are standing in your back yard. Right this very moment. See - look out there to the left of the dumpster... They won't stop their march until every last gun, gun-like object, or product that might include some metal or plastic that once touched a gun part is confiscated.

America is in peril - and only your support will help! Send $20 now and we'll send you this $1.99 Vietnamese leather jacket (retail value $500) as a thank you. And these Ginzu knives with the NRA logo."

Anonymous said...

Michael, you are obviously over qualified for this position. Thank god you still have your day job. How about a bi - weekly podcast?

From: SecretWeapon - Tampa, Fl.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to tell them that you type on a portable smith corona typewriter owned by Ernest Hemingway, personally given to you by him...
Gerard

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure you're right candidate since you didn't mention Mas Ayoob, But I digress.

Joe Bilby said...

One of the funniest things I have read in a while. As a writer myself, occasionally published in the Rifleman, I loved it. Made me laugh out loud.

ELIMN8U said...

Needed a good laugh today! Thanks!

Michael Bane said...

Bi-weekly podcast!!!!! The very words strike fear into my heart! Instead of the "tail wagging the dog," it would be 2 tails wagging the same dog!!!!

mb

Troy said...

Awesome. Love me some Mike Bane!

chefmossy said...

Vote for Butch

alfsauve said...

"Butch" is also taken and he and Sundance will be arriving shortly to discuss.

MA Firearms Safety Course said...

It is nice opportunity for the rifleman to apply for this jobs. The information in the blog really useful for them.

tablekiller said...

That is the best application letter, I have ever seen!

I guess it's time to re-do mine. LOL