Tuesday, September 06, 2016

Clown Sightings Grip America, Nation Nears Panic


We need to be on top of this:
Clown tries to lure kids in Winston-Salem, two clown sightings reported

WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. -- Winston-Salem police say someone in a clown costume tried to lure kids into the woods Sunday night 
The incident happened in the 1200 block of East 29th Street off Hwy. 52 about 8:30 p.m.
The "clown" was described as wearing white overalls, white gloves, red shoes with red bushy hair, a white face and a red nose. 
The suspect allegedly tried to lure the kids with treats. The suspect was reportedly seen by two children and heard, but not seen, by one adult. The suspect fled the area when officers arrived.
Of course, many of the clown sightings are from Washington D.C., which hardly counts…it's hard to say which is creepier, visiting the Senate and House of Representatives or the offices of the National Review…"clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right"…you can't walk thorough Washington D.C. without hearing the stead flap flap flap of floppy shoes.

Cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough

Sorry…I wanted to see what it felt like to be a Presidential candidate.

Anyway, back to the clown sightings. Don't worry, I'm on top of it. My biggest question is whether the Hornady Zombie Ammo will actually take down an older bull clown. Perhaps it's time to ask the U.S. ammo industry to consider a clown-specific round, perhaps #00 buck packed with multicolored confetti, or maybe flechette rounds that deploy a little tiny flag that say "BANG!" when fired.

My biggest fear is the clowns linking up with the beaver assaults that have been plaguing the world for months (you've only seen it here…there's more a a media clampdown on beaver attacks than Hillary Clinton's coughing fits). Weaponized beavers in the hands of evil clowns represents an existential threat, or at the very least the plot of a new Rob Zombie movie.

I just finished beaver-proofing the Secret Hidden Bunker — razor wire 2 feet off the ground and dummy trees laced with Tannerite. I have written my Congress-slimeball calling for legislation to legalize mortars for civilians, specifically for the beaver threat. For clowns, I've been thinking of faux cotton candy made with the sticky ingredient of flypaper.

I wonder if there's any more coffee?

Cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough...


11 comments:

Victor Tavernini said...

Is it just me or are we living in a Cormac McCarthy novel?

Steve Hunter said...

What does MB suggest as an adequate clown-termination round. I don't think hardball works, becuse they are too full of weirdness and hunger for childflesh. Maybe that new Ruger corkscrew round that would unscrew dozens of arteries and veins as it buzzed on through?

Gary said...

Michael--are you off your meds again? ;)

Knitebane said...

I'm pretty sure one of our Congressclowns, Senator Richard Burr, is from W-S.

Can anyone account for the whereabouts of our RINO Senator during the incident?

john said...

I like the idea of a clown specific round. Keep working on that. In the meantime, "light up another one Hillary"

Anonymous said...

I dated a lady clown for a while, but she tasted funny.
Also, her flowers gave me the squirts!
Seabat

Anonymous said...

Michael--Are you ON your med's again? ;)

Anyhow, I'd recommend good shot placement if you're ever confronted by a killer-clown. Shoot 'em in the "funny bone". You can also set up a defensive perimeter around your "safe-place", that's covered in banana peels. Then just wait for the squish-flop sound and aim precisely. And don't plan on eating what you shoot, I hear that clowns taste "funny".

Life Member, OUT

mikee said...

Juggalos. Google at your own risk.

Charlie Foxtrot said...


The Bozo: Two to the chest, one to the squeaky nose.

Rastus said...

I am going with the flechette deployment option for clowns. Clowns aren't zombies and they always seem to have something that looks like an important body member detach without ill effects. They also have been known to sport items that can serve as a vest or stop plate but usually only one....couple that with the fact that all that thick clothing, bubble nose, dense hair and big feets (that's right, feets) you need multiple rounds that will penetrate. So...flechette rounds it is.

Reg T said...

I've been the victim of numerous beaver attacks, and actually succumbed to a number of them, though I lived to tell the tail. If you decide to hunt beaver, you'd best be sure your ammo is loaded with something hard-cast, or you'll never make it.