A Little Last Minute Humor...

...from One of Those Days...

• This AM, my dentist, Dr. Joseph Mengele, explained that I have another week of excruciating pain before my jaw "turns the corner" — probably to go to the bus station to take the 10:15 to Detroit...he did, however, give me yet another prescription for pain medication. I now have enough various flavors of codeine pills to open my own concession off 8-Mile in Detroit, as soon as my jaw gets there...

I'm your Mama
I'm your Daddy
I'm that nigga
In the alley
I'm your doctor
When in need
Want some coke?
Have some weed
You know me
I'm your friend
Your main boy
Thick and thin
I'm your Pusherman
Lord, Lord
(—Brother Curtis Mayfield, of course)

• At noon, the computer repair place called with the extra good news that fixing my iBook, which like Mr. Bojangles' dog Teddy "just up and died" the other day would cost me $980, or approximately $20 more than I paid for it new in the box 18 months ago. No problemo, I need a new doorstop!!!

• Later, I'm standing at the Barnes and Nobles looking at the hot new book from the hot new woman mystery author who once told me that her protagonist amazingly resembled my protagonist...although my book sort of came out a year earlier before she started work on hers...when my glasses fell apart, as if zapped by a Klingon death ray. I picked up the pieces off the floor and headed for the nearest eyeglass emporium, which was, not surprisingly, packed by nearly blind people. As I walked toward the counter, the strikingly attractive young woman behind the counter took one look and me and my glasses and said:

"Well, you look like you could use a screw!"

Before I could manually disengage my "speak" reflex, I replied, "More than you can possibly know..."

Which caused the woman standing next to me at the counter to spew her mouthful of coffee; the manager to jump up and run toward the desk, in case I was fishing around in my pocket for one of those little blue pills, and the entire store to come to a screeching standstill.

"I'm very sorry," I said to the beet-red counter woman, who was still pretty hot, "but it's New Year's and I feel festive."

They fixed my glasses gratis, hustled me out of the store quick like a bunny and I went home and ordered a new PowerBook! And took a handful of pills so my jaw will hang in a little longer. Tomorrow night, champagne!