Wednesday, December 12, 2007

And May All Your Christmases Be...Weird!

Michael's Last Minute Shopping Guide for the Mentally Deranged

Okay...I know you're going crazy. You've got that one tough spousal unit, uncle, rug rat, stalker, whatever to buy for, and you're stumped. Never fear! Under-Mike is here! Once again, with five quick gift choices I've ferreted out over the last year to solve even the toughest problem giftee!

1) USB Missile Launcher with "Level 3" Laser Targeting!
Use your computer to shell the dweebs in adjacent cubicles with a level of precision you only imagined! Annoy virtually everyone! Get your kids started on a career early.

2) Build Your Own Siege Engine!
In only 45 minutes you can build your own working trebuchet, just the thing if you spent last year building a giant Lego castle. Also excellent for launching cheap Chinese firecrackers at the cat.

3) Slutty Japanese Anime Figurines
The pix above is from Queen's Blade, and she's pretty moderate by Japanese standards. Sure, they're expensive, but they virtually cement your position as the Neighbor Most Likely To End Up On "To Catch A Predator!"

4) Zombie-Wear!
Just the thing for my legions of undead fans! These t-shirts and other zombie wear apparrel will set you apart from the shambling crowd and surely offend most of your in-laws. I'm particularly fond of the Zombie Last Supper...

5) Unusual Human Skulls!
I'll bet Uncle Bob who has everything doesn't have one of these babies! You can get natural deformaties, death by violence (like the hapless dude above with the quite literal hole in his head) and an interesting selection of other bones.

6) Gigantic Jamaican Fruitcakes!
Jah provides, mon! These fruitcakes can be stored for long periods of, say, decades...because of the high alcohol content. And they get better with age! Just like me and you!

7) Action Figures from the movie 300!
Awaken your toddler's Inner Spartan with these wonderful action figures from my favorite movie of the year (or was it last year?) can be King Leonidas, Queen Gorgo, or your own Spartan cape replica! In no time at all, the little tyke will be screaming, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and assaulting your Persian cats.


Doug said...

Best shopping list ever.

Forlorn Boater said...

That is seriously funny, and not just because it looks like my office.

JoeMerchant24 said...

(insert inappropriate comment about life size Queen Gorgo figure here)