Thursday, October 02, 2008

My Usual Cheery Self Back in Control!

As we head into tonight's debate, a thought...I wish Katie Couric — that bastion of kissy journalism, the very woman who embraced Sarah Brady and called her one of the most important people in American history, a woman who's IQ is barely room temperature and has single-handedly wrecked the once-great CBS news franchises, a woman who has distinguished herself solely for her collection of expensive shoes — had asked me what magazines and newspapers I read to keep up on world news.

"Well, Katie...I subscribe to RADIO-CONTROLLED HELICOPTERS and through my membership in the .50 Caliber Shooters Association, VERY HIGH POWER magazine...[pause]"

"Michael, I was thinking more in terms of news magazines..."

"Well, Katie, you don't really think in the sense that mammals think...it would be fairer to say that whatever B-Bs your handlers dump into the empty boxcar of your head eventually roll our your mouth and dribble onto your Manolos..."

"But you must read TIME and NEWSWEEK?"

"Whatever for? The liberal spin of the week? The MSM self-justifying lies network? Anna Quindlen's endlessly whining columns? I'd rather listen to Adam Sandler tell fart jokes. Besides, if I brought them into my house, there's a chance Alf the Wonder Beagle might chew them up and get sick..."

"What about newspapers?"

"Stiffer than Charmin, but better than leaves and twigs..."

"Thank you, Michael! Tomorrow, our in-depth study of Paris Hilton's navel lint..."

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have no problem with a liberal/conservative press. I watch Fox and read Weekly Standard and National Review because I am a conservative. I still check out CNN occasionally to keep tabs on how the socialists are thinking.

It is time to end this fiction of an impartial press. It never existed and only worked because everyone agreed to play along.

No need to get upset about the passing of something that never existed in the first place. It's just time for CBS to rename their news show the "CBS Democratic News".

Brian said...

This was the funniest blog post you have ever written! I would pay money (and actually watch Saturday Night Live) if they would do a skit based on your ideas.

If it happened in real life I would be doing a happy dance through the house.

RVN11B said...

Looks like Mr. Brian beat me to the punch.

I, too, would like to state that this is one of your funnier submissions.

Thanks!

Carman said...

I've got one about Kouric that shows what an idiot she is.

On Sept 11, after the second plane hit, on a cloudless day, in broad daylight, this prattling twit actually said "Oh my God, there's something wrong with the radar system."
I don't know what's worse; the encyclopedia of things wrong with that statement, or the fact that somebody that obviously dimwitted is held up as a news anchor.

Anonymous said...

One time when she was still on NBC's Today Show, she mistakenly thought that the control room had gone to commercial. She let lose a series of four letter words that would have made a sailor blush. She came off totally prima donna-ish.