Monday, February 14, 2005

Hey Loretta! I Love You More Than an Irish Setter!

Real title from a Conway Twitty duet. So I thought I would weigh in this morning on last night's Grammy's, but not too much because Usher makes me think of hemorrhoids. Here, in no particular order, are the thoughts of an aging rock critic:

I've never been a fan of Green Day, and their dingbat politics makes me want to throw up, but Billy Joe Armstrong and the boys know how to rock! Green Day came out screaming on American Idiot, and just for a moment I was transported back to New York City and CBGBs at the height of the punk rock "revolution" in the mid-1970s. Just for a minute there, rock was dangerous again.

• Compare that to the phoned-in performance from U2. A couple of times, I expected Bono to swoon on a chaise lounge and sip some Creme de Menthe. Even The Edge, one of the greatest guitarist to stalk the face of the earth, seemed to be listening to his own personal iPod.

• Was it just me, or did Jennifer Lopez's ass seem large enough to have a couple of moons orbiting around it?

Kanye West! Dude! Andrew Lloyd Weber's Jesus Christ Superstar as performed by a raving psychotic! I loved this! There's nothing a music critic loves more than to see somebody chuck all the safe stuff and swing away for the bleachers. West's screamin' Jesus Walks, followed by the best speech of the night, made a living breathing superstar. Reminded me of LL Cool J's amazing performance at the MTV Music Awards many, many years back with his scortching answer to the posturing gansta rappers on both coasts.

The Southern Rock tribute performance...I haven't seen that much coke and Miller since the first Willie Nelson picnic. Seeing Dickie Betts functional was awesome in and of itself.

• Somebody needs to take that simpering twit John Mayer, bitch-slap him silly and send him home to his mommy. He's the musical equivalent of Jude Law, a foppish, pretentious collection of calculated mannerisms with all the talent of a $2 hooker on Sunday morning. I'd rather hear Sheryl Crow fart than him open his mouth.

• And speaking of Sheryl Crow, it was another No Underwear Night, Mom! You go, Lance!

Ray Charles was a once-in-a-lifetime talent, and we were lucky to have him with us for so long.

Melissa Ethridge. Bald from chemo; blue jean rocker with a guitar, belting out what may be one of the hardest cover of all time, Janis Joplin's Piece of My Heart. Folks, I saw the Sainted Janis do Piece of My Heart, and it was a crystal clear moment of pure, radiant talent. I believe Melissa Ethride matched Janis' performance last night. I believe that even after all this time, it may be possible to be saved by rock and roll.

• Tsumani relief's gigantoid Across the Universe download-this-right-now was creepy. They needed Dickie Betts, ten cases of Miller High Life and a couple of tanks of nitrous oxide. This baby was so dull I thought I heard a couple of tectonic plates snoring.

• Finally, you gotta love Loretta Lynn and her new best budd, White Stripes frontman Jack White. She ordered him around like a disobedient Lab puppy, and he did everything but roll over and ask to have his tummy rubbed. Loved it! Plus, Portland Oregon was a breathtaking song, a virtual summation of Loretta Lynn's life and proof positive Jack White is one hell of a producer. Maybe Loretta needs to get her hands on that simp Mayer!

1 comment:

Jerry The Geek said...

" Ray Charles was a once-in-a-lifetime talent, and we were lucky to have him with us for so long."

No argument there, but his Grand Finale Duet album"Genius Loves Company" demonstrates way too much "Company" and far too litle "Genius"

There's ONE decent cut on this let's-give-Ray-a-token album, and unfortunately the lady who lives up to the Genius ain't Natalie Cole.

Ray Charles did SO many songs that showed his power, it's a darned shame that not only did he go out like a lamb, but the producers couldn't even find enough Lions to make it worth the effort.

Screw it. I'm trashing my GLC CD, and going back to Amazon to buy everything Ray did as Ray. I can't bear to listen to him try to make a bunch of has-beens and never-was's sound good.

My GOD! Even BB King sounded lethargic, and boxed Ray into a corner. (Good guitar, though.)

And it's a damned crime to pair Ray with Willie Nelson. I liked some of Willie's stuff, but not much. The "It was a very good year" thingie was ... just trash. Tricky song, gone wrong.

Thank you, Jesus, for Diana Krall. Somebody needed to be good enough to sing with Ray ... he was strong, and she was sexy!

(Okay, so he sounded okay on "Here we go again" with Norah Jones ... she loved him, and he loved her!)

We're gonna miss you, Man.