Tuesday, December 01, 2009

I'm Thinking of Starting My Own Climate Research Facility!

I'm thinking this could be a fun and lucrative business to be in...after all, it doesn't seem to require much computer (or brain) horsepower to get into and, after after all all, Al Gore made $100 million. I'd be going for a much smaller number.

To get started, this morning I waded through the snow in the Back 40 to a tree stump from last season's beetle culling. I got down on my knees and stared at the tree rings and even counted them up to 11, where they got too narrowy. I went back inside and entered the size of each tree ring, as measured by an authentic metal newspaper "pica pole" (measures in points and picas for greater accuracy) in an Xcel spreadsheet with all the average temperatures I could remember, by month, all the way back to 1950, when I was born. I then extrapolated average annual temperatures back to the time of the dinosaurs using Disney movies and the Old Testament as counterbalances to ensure accuracy. Finally, using pi (all warm and apple-y) as a constant, I calculated the average temperature rise to be expected between now and 2012, carefully controlling for the presence of John Cusack and then dividing the resulting calculation by the remaining number of polar bears, which I estimated between 7 and 2830, plus/minus 3.68.

I was stunned by the result!

According to my carefully constructed planetary model, temperatures in Wisconsin and as far south as Springfield, IL, could reach absolute zero, -459.67 degrees Fahrenheit, plus or minus a bit, by September 2012! Either that, or it will be warm and partly cloudy, which a 20% chance of showers...it depends on which eye I close when I run the model.

I want to get my model and the dire predictions peer-reviewed, but I can't seem to reach Pee Wee Herman and George Carlin is dead.

More as the crisis develops! Help me Save the Earth!


Hazcat said...

When you get yer grant will ya hire me? My hourly wage is a reasonable $125.00 per and I figure my work should only take 40 hours a week for about 10 years. Of course that does not include travel expenses, conference fees, administrative costs, postal fees or..... ;)

Clark Kent said...

Whatever you do, hang onto those notes, and for God sakes don't write anything in the margins!

2Savage said...

Come on Michael, face reality. It's getting warmer. Here in OH we haven't seen a glacier for, oh, 15,000 years.

We all have a gun nut analog to these climate "scientist." You know, your handloader buddy without the chronograph who just broke 4200 fps with his Trapdoor Springfield.

Carman said...

Clearly, the only answer is to implement national health care, and for the government to take over all industry. After all, government is the answer to all problems, even the ones we make up.

Dave S. said...

You forgot to use Massad Ayoob's Amerian Handgunner trick of adding in the combustion of 6.4 grains of Unique to each series for the last 20 years (i.e. from 1981 onwards) and from 1961 for Elmer Keith's to hide the decline.

Anonymous said...

Here is just one example that I found real quick doing a google image search:


Anybody else find the temperature sensor placement/location... well... odd... or disturbing?

Anonymous said...

Cite or make up your sources for the data and you too can be a famous scientist...

Arden said...

Holy Crap that's freakin' me out! I just watched that movie 2012 a couple days ago, and now the voices in my head are really ramping up. I think I need a pickle! Seriously though, That's hilarious Michael! I love it. Thanks for working so hard to not only protect our Second Amendment rights, but to warn us of this impending global disaster that is just months away. You rock! Now where is that nobel piece (I'm pretty sure that's how it should be spelled) prize nomination form.

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