WASHINGTON D.C. — After three days of "spirited" discussion, a virtually giddy Vice-President Joe Biden faced cameras to announce the stunning breakthrough.
"It's the Jews!" said Biden, slipping his hand inside the blouse of Kimmy Jong-Yummy, the North Korean representative to the summit who moaned with thinly disguised pleasure. "The Jews in an unholy, clearly not Islamic alliance with the Tea Baggers!"
The breakthrough came when the White House revealed, through their Cuban national spokesperson, SS Oberstrumbannfuhrer Alexjandro "Che" Castro, a 3rd cousin of legendary revolutionary idol Fidel Castro who had previously served as Minister of Misleading Crop Reports for the Castro government, the existence of a document that "unequivocally" links Jews to American right-wing terrorists.
"The document is titled 'Protocols of the Elders of Idaho,'" added State Department Spokesperson Marie Hajj, who recently changed her from "Harf" to "Hajj" in solidarity with Sharia Social Justice Warriors Worldwide (SSJWW). The document was discovered during a joint DEA, ATF, DHS and the Mexican Grupo Marte raid on a compound near San Antonio; the raiders initially performed a dynamic entry on the Taco-Centro Bodega, which had been described in the warrant as a "hotbed of right-wing terrorism." After repeatedly shooting 2 chihuahuas and seizing an unspecified number of donuts, the raiders discovered that the warrant was actually for the house across the street.
Quickly shifting gears, the 58 heavily armed and armored "operators" crossed the street and seized the dilapidated empty home, where they discovered what was described as an "arsenal" (shown blow).
Also seized along with the "Protocols" document were drugs, including aspirin and "behind-the-counter" antihistamines, and an unspecified amount of cash, ("unspecified," as the coin counter at the Safeway was unable to count Mexican coins).
"The Protocols clearly outlined an operating structure between American right-wing gun clingers and Jewish money-lenders both in Israel and the United States," said Hajj, adroitly dodging Vice-President Biden's bare foot, which was slipping up her dress. "This should put an end to the scurrilous, persistent lie that the upswing in terrorism is linked to our valiant brothers in Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, France, Great Britain and New Jersey."
"Barack Hussein Osama…er…Obama has been vindicated!" said Biden, zipping up his pants.
Two other important announcements emerged from the "Countering Violent Extremism" summit.
Perhaps the most important was the public/private joint "enterprise" grant of the sum of $2 billion for the Middle Eastern country that finds "The Most Fascinating Use of Nuclear Power." The Soros/Obama Prize will allow the winning country to "jump to the next level," providing warmth and bright light to at least some cities of the Middle East. Representative from Iran and Yemen, present at the Summit, committed their countries to "go for the Big One!"
The Summit also unveiled an app for both the iPhone and Android platform, designed by Saudi Arabian software engineers, that allows users to compare prices for slaves at the various ISIS markets. The app also allows one-click selection of specific sex, body styles and price range.
"This app allows us to monitor the disgusting institution of slavery," Hajj noted, "which will lead to a fairer, more equal world."
When asked why the app had a "PURCHASE NOW" button, Hajj had no comment.