Sunday, September 27, 2009

Getting Ready for Halloween!

I cribbed these from Pole Dancing in the Dark:


1.When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.

2.Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3.Do not search the basement or attic, even if the power is out.

4.If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language that they should not know, shoot them immediately. Shooting them will save you much grief in the long run; however, it will take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This tip also applies to anyone who speaks with someone else's voice.

5.When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.

6.As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7.Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This rule also applies to any other house of the dead.

8.If you are searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out that it was just the cat, get the hell out. Expeditiously.

9.If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits. Again, get the hell out.

10.Do not take anything from the dead. No matter how much you like it, it's bound to disagree with you sooner or later.

11.If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12.Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13.If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice--more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14.If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15.Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, and any small town in Maine, Maryland, and Massachusetts.

16.If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the telephone. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself in the head. You are going to die anyway and most likely be eaten.

17.Beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, and ice picks.

18.If you discover that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This rule also applies to previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion.

19. If there are supernatural elements going on around you, don't have sex. Especially if you are a blond.

20. If you are a blond, dye your hair! You have a much better chance of survival if you are a brunette, or redhead. (I guess we don't taste as good or something...)

21. Stay out of cornfields, woods and bodies of water. These are locations where no one will hear you if you scream, or if the do hear you, they will never find you in time.

22. Stay out of big old scary looking mansions, nothing good ever comes from your visit, no matter how considerate a houseguest you are.

23. Never back slowly down stairs, around corners, or through doorways. You have just been where you are coming from and you should know that the threat is not there.

24. If the phone goes dead just when you are about to call for help, don't waist time jiggling the receiver cradle and shouting "Hello" into the receiver. Giving away your position while masking the sounds of the opponents approach is NOT a good tactic.

25. For Heaven's sake, listen to us Moors residents when we tell you to "Keep to the roads, lads!"

26. Stay away from dusty old tomes with questionable fabric covers.

27. Never try to read aloud from books when they are written in some obscure dead language, even if you are a linguistics expert. There are reasons why certain languages are dead.

28. Never say, “It could be worse,” because it will get much worse.

29. Never turn your back on stuffed animals, dolls or clowns. They may seem innocent enough, but they are really demons laying in wait.

30. Do not try destroying same dolls, animals or clowns with fire, water, or exorcism, as this only pisses them off. Just resign yourself to the fact that your life is over.

31. Never invite a ghost or spirit to show itself. It may think that you want it to stay and will make itself at home…

32. Never go camping in the woods on Halloween.

33. Ignore the others who say it will be fun and never go to one of those creepy looking traveling funhouses on Halloween, either. Boo!

34. If the phone rings, don't bother answering it. Go curl up in a corner and resign yourself to the end. It's the killer and he is already in the house, or is outside watching you.

35. If you forget/drop/lose something while a monster is on the loose, it probably isn't the wisest idea to go looking for it later. This principle especially applies to cats.

36. Beware of people in masks. It might not actually be a mask...

37. Never investigate old broken down mansions, especially in Texas. In fact, it’s best to stay out of Texas, New Orleans or any sort of swamp like area all-together.

38. Don’t ever watch unfamiliar and bizarre videotapes.

39. Never let the little bitch out of the well.

40. Never trust computers with little girl avatars

41. Never stroll from room to room, searching for your boyfriend/girlfriend whilst simultaneously calling their name.

Example:

"Tommy? Are your in there? Tommy? Is that you?"

And...if this is happening immediately after sex, resign yourself to your fate immediately and dispatch yourself before the monster gets the chance.

42. Never be the only person at a supernatural outing (whether intentional or unintentional) wearing a red shirt.

43. Never have sex with the overtly horny camp counselor. She will inevitably die first, but you can count on being next in line

44. Donald Pleasance shows up, just recognize you're in a whole lot of great big trouble.

45. Never help a clown out of a drain hole - all clowns are evil!

46. Don't make fun of or play with dead things.

47. If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to 'help' them - they will eat you.

48. If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

49. Never have sex in the bunk beds of recently renovated summer camps.

50. Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

51. Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body.

52. Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with "flair" (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts...)

53. Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.

54. Never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

55. If you are a female, never expose yourself. Easy women die fast.

56. Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.

57. If the Toshiba suddenly says out of context, “I understand quantum theory, but what is this thing called love?”, get the hammer immediately. - wahsatchmo

58. Stuntman, if you beam down wearing a red shirt also wear a false beard. That way you can be paid to die again wearing a false mustache in the following episode.

59. No need to open a strange bag or parcel because you think it may contain a bomb. It will.

60. When the hero says it is too quiet the monster has found you. (A.M.Swallow)

4 comments:

falnfenix said...

this is brilliant. thanks for sharing.

Lawrence said...

Shoot the goblins to the ground, then shoot them in the head till you see brains..

Always worked for me..8-)

Cowboy Blob said...

Heh, we're doing two short horror features in film school, and I grit my teeth, not being a fan of the genre, especially because of all the cliches you mentioned. It would be cool if they'd adopt my short 2-minute "bridging" screenplay because it's very anti-cliche. I'm not holding my breath.

Lawrence said...

Well if it's on zombies, for goodness sake make sure they do it right.

Shoot em in the head till you see brains..if you get bit you die.