Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Small Penis Manifesto

Well, after noted urologist Bill Maher revealed on Jay Leno last night that the reason we have no national discussion on gun control is that gun owners, "have small penises," I for one whipped out a ruler.

Unfortunately, it was a metal ruler...and very VERY cold...apparently I DO have a small penis! Shriveled, too. HMMMMMM, maybe if I sold a Glock or two I would magically morph into LL Cool J...whoops, he once admitted he had some "antique" maybe from 1983. If I get rid of a loooooooooooooong gun, would that work better? I mean, is it caliber or size? Getting rid of a .32 snubbie hardly seems worth the effort. OTOH, a .500 Magnum...I'm going to have to put some thought into this...

Seriously, Maher has always been a screaming knee-jerk, but I mention the Wee Wee Statement to point out how seriously wide the divide is between the two sides. Here's some more guns = Mr. Willie talk, slightly more sophisticated but the same song. You have to subscribe to read the article by Robert Jay Lifton in the Chronicle of Higher Education, but you can get the entire text for nothing (preferable) on The High Road:
Indeed, I would claim that a gun is not just a lethal device but a psychological actor in this terrible drama. Guns and ammunition were at the heart of Seung-Hui Cho's elaborate orchestration of the event and of his Rambo-like self-presentation to the world. When you look at those pictures, you understand how a gun can merge so fully with a person that a man who makes regular use of it could (in the historical West and in Hollywood) become known as a "gun."
HELL-O RJ...thump...thump...thump...anything going in in that ole cantalope of yours? Maybe you should stick to penetrating analysis of American Idol voting patterns, or perhaps casting the entrails of liberals.

There has always been an interesting transference issue in the whole gun control debate — "I don't believe that I can control my temper, so it's important that you don't have a gun;" "I don't believe that I could respond correctly in a mass shooting, so it's important that you don't have the means to respond," etc.

The good news is that Rosie O'Donnell is leaving The View in June for part or parts unknown. I suppose it's too much to hope that she'll turn herself in at a tuna cannery to be rendered into canned white albacore. She's probably going to be Homegirl Hillary "Mama's Little Baby Loves Short'nin Short'nin" Clinton's VP...

Maybe there's yet hope for Mr. Willie! Gotta go nappy now!


Anonymous said...

Every time someone says to me that they couldn't have a gun (and therefoe neither should I) becuase they were sure they would loose their temper and kill somebody, I ask them:

ME: "Are you serious? Do you really think you could get so mad at somone that you would kill them - take their life- over some petty argument?"

Them: "Yes, absolutely!"

ME: "Then you need to do 2 things immediately:

1 - Get some help for your uncontrollabe rage dissorder. It is a recognized sign of serious mental illness, most recently called Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and it requires serious psychological intervention.

2- Immediately STOP giving the rest of us Normal, well adjusted, and sane individuals advice as to weather or not WE should have guns."

Makes for some interesting office conversation, and usually shuts people up pretty quickly.


Anonymous said...

Lets see if I understand the logic
If gun equals small male reproductive organ
No gun must equal large female reproductive organ.

Ok I can live with that.

Kristopher said...

The proper term for that disarder is actually "Projection".

As for gun=penis ....

If I could kill at 100 yards with my penis, I wouldn't need a pistol.

Anonymous said...

"...Rosie O'Donnell is leaving The View in June for part or parts unknown. I suppose it's too much to hope that she'll turn herself in at a tuna cannery to be rendered into canned>white albacore..."

Thanks a lot. Now I'll never eat tuna again...

Curtis in /\/\onTana! {!-{>

Tim Perkins said...

Maher has the brains of a small penis.

Yuri Orlov said...

Something tells me Maher has been thinking with the wrong head for far too long...

Anonymous said...

Well first off my Boot Camp CC told us "Guns" are on ships. That there is a "Weapon."

Repeat after me Seaman Recruit:

"This is my weapon, this is my gun.
One is for shooting, the other for fun."

I can't HEAR you!


Jay.Mac said...

Wasn't it Freud who said "A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity."

Countertop said...

Well, I don't know about its caliber or barrel length, but my penis sure is accurate.

Two shots, Two kids.

Of course, there was lots of practice and range time required to get those so accurate two shots.

John said...

The only esperience Bill Maher has with a penis is when he's S****** one!

hazcat said...

Anyone that brings "penis" into a gun debate just shows me their lack of caliber in the debate. I dismiss them out of hand :)

Anonymous said...

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Right now we are gathering information on the deranged bigot Barbara Graham. She is a pilot who has tried to bomb religious sites around the country. As you can see from the site she is a vulgar woman with no class at all.

But, you can read all about her on the site and see what she looks like in case you want to know if she might be planning something in your own town!

But I have a problem. A bunch of Indonesians are attacking me. I am offering a substantial reward, paid once again by the company, for your help in finding and stopping these zealots.

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Anonymous said...

A study was made about the size of the penis, women are more about the motion than the size, however, a guys with a bigger penis will feel confident about himself and will satisfy any woman in bed.
Writing from experience!!
Good Luck! said...

This can't succeed as a matter of fact, that is exactly what I believe.

Anonymous said...

I know one thing for sure: gun lovers that have posted their opinions on this site have no knowledge of grammar and likely were pretty poor students in school. Dumb people and guns are a frightening combination, but studies show are the largest group of gun owners in the U.S. They know this by how poorly they complete gun license applications. They are also paranoid because they always state that they need guns for protection, so they project that someone is out to get them. Paranoid, dumb people...yikes! Let's not even go into tiny penises!!!!

Myers Dojo said...

Women Lie : Size DOES Matter

And if you've ever taken a girl home, gotten hot and heavy and then felt embarrassment and PANIC when you take off your pants and see the look of DISAPPOINTMENT on her face, you need to go check this out right now . . .

===> Don't Disapoint Her With Your Little Guy <=====

I'll tell you right now (and I've got proof), that anyone who tells you "size doesn't matter to women" is flat out lying to your face and trying to make you feel better . . .

Heck, just recently I asked a focus group of women via an anonymous online survey if size matters, and again and again they said "Oh my god, I HATE IT when it's SMALL."

For a long time I didn't know what to tell the guys who'd write in to me and ask how to get "bigger."

I'd say something lame like "Women actually like guys who are smaller . . . you just have to get good with your hands."

Then I found "THE BIBLE of Penis Enlargement" by this guy named John Collins . . .

===> They HATE It When It's Small <=====

What's crazy about this is that John has ACTUAL VIDEO PROOF that his stuff works . . .

He's got a literal mountain of testimonials from customers not just SAYING that they added 3 or even FOUR inches . . .

But actual VIDEOS that can't be faked.

I was 100% skeptical until I saw these vids, so even if you think it's "impossible" to get bigger (and there's no pills or suction devices or any of that crap) go check out the overwhelming proof on John's site.

===> Women Lie : Size DOES Matter <=====



P.S. There's absolutely nothing in the world that will make you smile as wide as pulling down your pants and seeing a look of AWE and ANTICIPATION on a woman's face. The first time you hear her say "It might be too big" in a soft, excited voice, you're going to feel a thrill through your spine like you just snorted 3 lines of cocaine.

If you aren't at least 7 inches you owe it to yourself (and to the women in your life) to check this out.

===> Proof Of REAL Growth <=====