Thursday, February 05, 2015

I Want to be a Network Anchor!

As I was saying, Me and Brian Williams was sitting in this partially blown up bar on Mulberry Street in Ramadi drinking pina coladas and talking about how "Lost in Translation" really sucked when the mortar rounds started falling. Me, I was so terrified I think I tinkled myself, but Brian, he was like a ninja…no, a ninja with superpowers! No no…a mutant ninja turtle with superpowers! He leaped off his barstool, picked it up and spun it over my head, knocking pieces of shrapnel out of the air and saving my life, like, 3, maybe 4 times.

Taking a quick sip of his pina colada, he darted out the door to rescue an entire elementary school being shepherded by 2 burka-clad teachers, personally carrying 7 children to a nearby basement. He then jumped out of the basement to shove 2 Special Forces guys to the ground just as an RPG whizzed overhead, then graciously paused to sign 2 hero cards he whipped from underneath his plate armor for the adoring operators.

Barely sipping from his drink, Brian filed a video report on his phone, consulted with U.S. commanders on both strategy and tactics, led a U.N. NGO team to film American atrocities, accepted his Emmy by phone, changed the oil in 2 Hummers, talked briefly with George Clooney, arranged for a local woman to redo his hair before his next video report, answered 2 texts from Rev Al Sharpton, and, finally finishing his drink, talked the jihadists into surrendering, moving to America and registering to vote as Democrat!

Now Brian's a hero and that is all true.
He does things that mortals like me cannot do.
He brings all the news to our homes each night
No Tea Party loonies or cats from the right
No guns, no Jesus, no men who are white
Just words from the White House give Brian delight
And that is a story that no one can beat.
And to think that I saw it on Mulberry Street.


Anonymous said...

We live in very confusing times. There is so much absurdity that we seem to have lost any means by which to measure behavior save the rather frail memory of what used to be.

For those who don't remember, news anchors used to be trusted to tell the truth.

I fear we are at the point where we must fail, or be torn down to rebuild ourselves back to normal.

Anonymous said...

By the way, I enjoyed the story!

Michael Bane said...

True...every bit of it...sort of...well, it ought to be true!


Anonymous said...

Sign of end times....CNN Ashleigh Banfield ragging on Brian Williams over his stolen valor story.

kmitch200 said...

I don't think that story is true.

This part gave it away:
paused to sign 2 hero cards he whipped from underneath his plate armor

Superman wears plate armor???
The rest of it sounds very plausible.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Who new.! I guess I don't watch enough network news.

Anonymous said...

Formed by the molds of their "no competition" predecessors, nowadays, network news anchors are nothing more than white-collared carnival barkers.

No disrespect to the barkers...

Anonymous said...

I was there, Michael. I saw the whole thing. Actually, I was in another bar, across the street. No .. maybe I was flying a drone overhead. Come to think of it, I might have just seen it on TV. Well ... actually I think I just read it on your blog and it FELT like I was there. Good thing our credibility is only attached to the MOST RECENT thing we say.

Anonymous said...

CNN interview with helo pilot. They were hit by small arms but not RPG. I don't get how you could criticize a guy who is proud of his daughter having anal sex with a dog?

Anonymous said...

You gotta remember...B. Williams used to be a shill for perverted justice (.com)
Birds of a feather flock together!

Roger V. Tranfaglia

Anonymous said...

"For those who don't remember, news anchors used to be trusted to tell the truth. "

It was all a shill. In hindsight, Walter Cronkite has been shown to be a partisan.

We trusted our news anchors in the 50s and 60s because the delivery of news was limited to the big three networks and your local newspaper.

Today news comes at us from every direction. We have scores of sources for our news. But it's also up to us to filter and sort our news.

And as my TO said 30 years ago, "Boy, only believe half of what you see with your own eyes and nothing of what you hear."

And in the words of Renaldus Magnus: "Trust but verify."

Alien said...

And in the words of Renaldus Magnus: "Trust but verify."

As far as anyone in the MSM, or anything connected with the MSM, I'm afraid we've reached the point where the first two words in that sentence are inoperative.

Anonymous said...

If my senility has not gone too far I recall Williams originally blamed the Aurora shootings on
Teas Party types. And that bit with his daughter and dog, I read an interview with him when it wad recorded saying he was there and very proud of his daughter. Moral failure min one are always leads to others.

RMCM(SS) said...

Well, it must be true. He learned from one of his idols, Joe Biden, who claimed his helicopter was shot down in Afghanistan. The fact that it made an unscheduled landing because of weather is just a minor detail and not worth mentioning.

Anonymous said...

Hey wait! Was Brian on the same flight that Hillary Clinton was on when she was under live-fire? Or, wait, was that the time that she was under live fire when she ran from the Apache helicopter that she was piloting when she single-mindedly took out those evil Tea Party trouble makers?

; )

Anonymous said...

To bothered by this is a waste of energy. Does anyone put much stock in news casts anymore? Paraphrasing Mark Twain: "Those who don't read the news are uninformed, those that do read the news are misinformed"!

KevinC said...

* golf clap *