Monday, July 17, 2006

Carnival of Cordite!

This week's Carnival of Cordite is up, and that's where I cribbed this cool graphic! I once sketched out an organization called Gun-Free And Proud, whose primary purpose would be the printing of large brightly colored stickers that read:
"GUN-FREE And Proud Of It!
This home DOES NOT contain any FIREARMS!"
Then I'd hand them out to all my antigun friends...I must have one or two somewhere. I first introduced my new organization in a radio interview n Florida ages ago. I was "debating" a local antigun activist, which was a little like debating a retarded cat (is that an oxymoron?). I talked about how important it was to have the courage of one's convictions and how important it was to stand up and be counted, to put one's beliefs right out there where everyone could see them. My opponent heartily agreed. Then I rolled out my organization and told her she would be the first person to get the new stickers, which could be affixed to both the front and rear windows of her house, since she believed so strongly in standing up.

"But that would be like putting a 'Rob Me First' sticker on your..." she said. "...uh, oh..."

Meanwhile, back in Stupid World, the Colorado Wildlife Commission is considering hiring sharpshooters to cull the booming elk population in Rocky Mountain National Park, which it stopped doing in 1968 because people from nearby Boulder thought killing animals was "icky," unless it was done well out of their sight and the resulting "natural foodstuffs" was delivered prepackaged, preweighted, wrapped in plastic and certified organic.

So anyway, the proposed plan would bring in "sharpshooters" with suppressed rifles fitted with night vision scopes to cap 50% of the elk herd quietly while the nearby town of Boulder was either sleeping or drifting in a marijuana-induced stupor. This stunt would probably cost taxpayers in the vicinity of $18 million dollars. I know it's important to kill animals in the dark of night and not make any noise so people can pretend all animals die of old age quietly in their sleep — after all, slaughterhouses rarely offer tours! — but I keep racking my brain trying to figure out if there are any people who might be willing to "cull" elk for free...or even — and this is a wild and crazy reach! — who might pay money to harvest an elk????

I don't know...that's crazy talk...I would ask my local USFS "wilderness professionals" for their professional opinion if I could pry them off each other. That'd probably take a crowbar, a blowtorch and a gallon of K-Y. However, Col. Robert Brown, erstwile publisher of SOLDER OF FORTUNE magazine, has alerted me to another wild and crazy solution, forwarded to him from Tom "Moose" Ferran, Chairman of the USMC Scout/Sniper Association:
Ref: Reducing the Elk Herd Population, Colorado, meeting 13 July, 2006

Dear Sir or Madam:

In accordance with the above meeting I would like to offer the following:

The need to keep natures laws of herd over population in check is totally understandable. The method however, is of concern. To hire "sharpshooters" to curtail a species of animal life is the not best solution...not to mention the 18 million dollars spent on said activity. Our national and state hunters are the most effective at this mission. They should be employed first. As a secondary consideration please consider using professional trained Marine Scout/Snipers (both active and retired) to do
this mission. They will effectively and efficiently accomplish the mission in the minimum amount of time. Note: Marie Scout/Snipers are effective up to and beyond 1,000 yards. Your average state licensed hunter cannot perform to those distances.

Meat would be salvaged and processed for the various homeless programs. All fees to said "sharpshooters" AKA Marine Scout/Snipers will go to the below tax exempt non profit 501 (C)(19) association for your tax deduction. All proceeds will be marshaled to support our military overseas and families in need. Please see mission Statement as required by the IRS...

As necessary, I could assemble within one week, a squad of 12 men, a platoon of 36 men, or a company of 144 men (two weeks), or a combination there of, all of which are schooled trained highly professional Marine Corps Scout/Snipers.

The advantages of this proposal is as follows:

1. Total command and control of all personnel
2. We are self insured
3. Maximum human efficiency (no wounded elk)
4. Maintain skills for both active and retired, some who are going back to the battlefield
5. Reduced costs, i.e. less than 50% of stated allocation
6. Coordinate the timely delivery of meat to the appropriate recipient for the welfare of the homeless and others
6. All funds received will go to support our troops overseas or families in need
7. Tax deductible ( We are a 501 C 19)
8. The State of Colorado will reap this press (both civilian and military) and increase tourist dollars

We respectfully request you consider the above proposal. It would be a "win-win" for all concerned...except the Elk!

Respectfully Submitted,

(cousin to the Elk!)

Tom "Moose" Ferran
P. O. BOX 2508
Monument, CO 80132
(719) 237-2424
There is no hunting like the hunting of man,
and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it,
never care for anything else thereafter...Ernest Hemingway

LOL! What do you suppose the chances of Colorado doing anything this smart would be? Or, say, having a 5-day limited elk season in the Park and charging $5000 for the license? I'm willing to bet the state would much rather spend $18,000 per elk for their own guys to cap 'em. Maybe they'll hire sharpshooting Forest Rangers to help...whoops...wrong gun!


Anonymous said...

What are they gonna hunt them with an AC130?

Anonymous said...

$18K per elk? I suspect that, with the right connections, you could arrange for an elk "to have an accident" for $5K. Not some random elk, mind you, but a specific elk, by name. In fact, I'll bet with some negotiating you could even get the "Jimmy Hoffa Package" clean-up service included at that price.