Saturday, July 15, 2006

Film At 11...

"I think I'd rather be a cowboy
I think I'd rather ride the range..."

John Denver
I Think I'd Rather Be A Cowboy

Hang with me on this one...so I'm in a Texas Longhorn calf branding pen in south Kansas, never mind why, close enough to Dodge City to feel the wind off Boot Hill. The little doggies, or whatever the hell you call calves, are been roped off horseback and dragged into the pen one at a time to get their shots, get their first tattoo and, if male, get relieved of their prairie oysters. Yum!

The cowboy drags a little doggie in and his superbly trained horse spins around and sets so the cowboy can tie off the calf. The calf, which is about the size of a medium size doghouse or one of Paris Hilton's male companions, has other ideas...or would possibly like to retain his nads a little longer. He shakes loose of the other branders and, with a rope still attached to one hoof, breaks to my left; the horse and rider with the other end of the rope attached to them, move to my right.

Directly in front of me is one of our $150,000 high-def video cameras on a tripod; the rope, pulling taunt between horse and rider and pissed-off baby Longhorn, moves like a striking rattlesnake toward the tripod, which is going to topple like a New York City drag queen with her Manolo caught in a subway grate.

My ass or the camera? Who am I kidding? Just as the rope hits the tripod I jump forward and grab the camera. The rope snags the tripod, pops up and hits me on the chest and, breaking the camera's fall, I go into a full-blown World Wrestling Federation back body slam into the cow dookey.

Now, in more than a decade of time in dojos, I have hit the ground more than once. In fact, I fancy that I fall rather well. I didn't even attempt to break my fall...just went limp. In all that time in the dojo, however, I never once did a full-speed fall with a small metal camera in my back pocket.

I now have a bruise the size of Pittsburg imprinted with the "SONY" logo on my ass, and I swear if I squeeze my butt cheeks just so I can take a digital picture...

PS: No no, don't worry...both the hi-def camera and the pocket Sony were unscathed...

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Uh, here in Oklahoma we call calves. Calves. Regards.

Michael Bane said...

Well, there you have it...Oklahoma...Kansas...

mb

Anonymous said...

Okay, great, the camera's are fine. The important question is whether there was another camera getting you making the save?

Guy

Anonymous said...

Your ass or the camera? What kind of question is that? I've read Over the Edge. I know how much you value your ass.

Anonymous said...

I love my job
I love my job
I love my job
I love my job
I love my job

:-)

Michael Bane said...

Well, my assdid survive, and thankfully there were no cameras...

Since I was in Kansas, I wanted an Wizard of Oz t-shirt, but the only one I could find would be far more suited to Squibby: "I'm a lot like Dorothy — all the men I know are either cowards, heartless or have no brain!"

That was mixed in with the OFFICIAL KANSAS T-SHIRT, which pictures a wide field with a single cow standing in the middle and the phrase: "Kansas: A whole lot of nuthin' going on."

m "ouchie!" b

Anonymous said...

Remids me of the head butt a calf gave me when we were vaccinating. my family's concern was for the calf...not me. My teeeth didn;t get back to normal for a bout two weeks.

Oh yeah....the term I've always heard and read is dogie. Dunno why.

Anonymous said...

Sorry I missed that cuz, would not have laughed.....right....later Rick B.

Michael Bane said...

Rick;

I'll send you my cow dookey cleaning bill!

Your cousin...

mb