Friday, August 01, 2008

Strange Day...

...okay, forget the "water on Mars" story; forget the endless John Edwards "love child" I'm reeling from the concept of a "designer vagina" craze:
Australian doctors have raised concerns about clinics offering vaginal cosmetic surgery, warning the trend towards so-called "designer vaginas" may be exploiting vulnerable women.

The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists said procedures being offered included "vaginal rejuvenation, revirgination, designer vaginoplasty and G-spot amplification".
Is it just me, or is the world coming more and more to resemble a Philip K. Dick novel? I find myself with an almost overwhelming urge to collect random bits of string and then try to master the numerous spoken forms of honorifics.

It also causes me to wonder if perhaps there is a corresponding "designer penis" craze that has, alas, also passed me by...perhaps the surgical implantation of a little Scottish bonnet on Mr. Weasel. A quick search of Google for "designer penis" didn't turn anything up, but it did spotlight a job offer on one of the programmers sites for this job:
I need a great writer/ web designer to do the following:
1) Create an outstanding design for penis enlargement product reviews
2) Perform a detailed product review on to replace this page:

Some important guideline:
1) Review must be written in first person and speak directly to the needs, concerns and hopes of the visitor. For example, you should write like this: "There are many things that I like about Sizegenetics (with just a few drawbacks). If you're looking to..." (personal) Do NOT write like this: "Sizegenetics has both pros and cons. Men looking to..." (not personal)
2) Be fair. Give the good and the bad. Highlighting the good, of course.
3) Be as specific as possible
4) Must follow the enclosed guidelines
5) Must be in Clean HTML format
6) Must NOT be in MS Word HTML

I've included another old Sizegenetics Review as an example... If you do an outstanding job, I'll have many more reviews for you :)
I really like the smiley at the end...sadly, the ad has already expired! Darn! Another career option bites the dust. I also learned the derivation of the phrase "penis-melting zionist robot combs," a phrase I've never used but definitely will, probably to describe a new plastic service pistol:

"[fill in the blank]'s newest polymer-framed striker-fired, laser-sighted, sub-MOA, .40 S&W Magnum, desert-camo'ed, gas-pistoned, low mileage, mil-spec blaster smites the earth like the proverbial penis-melting zionist robot comb in the hands of an infidel-busting bad-ass operator hair stylist from hell..."

Whoops! Got to go have a long conversation with firearms execs on manufacturing issues...if I use P-M-Z-R-C one more time in a sentence, it's my word!


Anonymous said...

"vaginal rejuvenation, revirgination, designer vaginoplasty and G-spot amplification"

But more importantly, does it come with a remote control and MUTE button??
(and if any of you guys tell She Who Must Be Obeyed I said any of this, my revenge will be terrible and infinite!)

Doug said...

You automatically rocket to the top of the coolest bloggers list for subtly referencing Doctor Adder (oh wait, that was KW Jeter).

Still... wow!

Teeth, the movie.

NotClauswitz said...

I thought the "designer vagina" craze was simply an update to an unintended consequence of Islamic law in which virginity must be proven by bleeding. They've been doing it in bazaars from Pakistan to Palestine since a needle and thread and some guile was invented.
Because the story originates in Australia, saddled with a large and activist Muslim immigrant population (and some contributions to the wrong-side in the War on Terror) I'm not too surprised that affluent Muslim girls may want a little "adjustment" or correction to their anatomy - vanity is always in search of perfection.

Anonymous said...

Philip K. Dick was a prophet. He paid for his prescience though with a terrible turmoil in his personal life. When Ridley Scott put a coherent look to Dick's world, it was a done deal: We are the people whom Dick warned us about in is unfornuate paranoid fantasies. Somewhere now there are machines loving one another and having sex. How long before they demand the right to marry?

NotClauswitz said...

Why should the machines want to marry, for better a Warranty? When they pay taxes they can buy their own Extended Service Plan - BestBuy will be glad to help.
The reality is that bureaucracies are spawning, and demanding taxes from us for their survival.