Thursday, May 24, 2007
Winter Wonderland Bah! Warning! Rant Alert!
Check out the view from my front porch this morning...it's almost June, for god's sake! We supposed to be grilling weenies this weekend! Well, excuse me while I chip the ice off the ole Weber! I feel like I'm in that Twilight Zone episode, "The Midnight Sun."
I'm afraid I'm going to have to go four-square in favor of global warming!
No more penguins; no more polar bears; forget Greenland, the East Coast, the West Coast, Florida (maybe send in Delta to rescue secret Cuban food recipes from Miami and nekked celebrities from St. Barts) and Samoa! I'll buy beachfront property in Durango. Round up Al Gore's private plane, Sheryl Crow's lousy back-up band, Leonardo Dicaprio's smarmy attitude, and all the word processors from the editorial staff of TIME Magazine, use energy-wasteful methods to cook all of it down into charcoal and have a marshmellow roast on the lawn of the White House, glorious unfettered hydrocarbons pouring into the atmosphere. I'll drive up in my new Hummer...the big one...with a tailgate cooker powered by diesel fuel and coal...
...I'm going to use my grill on red air days...encourage cows and sheep to fart...buy Al Gore's house — he'll be on the run; he won't need it anymore; maybe I could sell Tipper on eBay — and keep it cold the summer and hot in the winter, which should last about 3 hours...make soup in the pool...line the driveway with burning tires instead of solar-powered lights...fly only on non-sanctioned Third World airplanes that leak oil and spew residue into he atmosphere...
...our new immigration policy will be simple. Anyone who meets three of the following criteria — wears flip-flops, surfer shorts or bikini top; carries any drink with a small paper umbrella in it or that utilizes tequila; can name at least three on-going characters from Lost or at least one American Idol winner, or purchases a winning National Lottery ticket, available for various currencies at every national border — gets in. Refugees from the flooded state of California will be allowed in, then deported to Whackee-tabakistan or Umgawastan or any other country that ends in "stan."
Fleece will be banned by federal law.
It'll be hot...hot...HOT!
Okay, now I feel better. I'm gonna go start a nice warm fire and make some hot chocolate...
I wonder what the property values are like on Venus?