Monday, February 22, 2010

Mark XX1 Behemoth

It doesn't make any sense to me, either, but then again, few things do. Here are the specs on the Behemoth:
The largest landship deployed by the Nilean Army, this vehicle is the back bone of any assault on an urban centre. The main armament is an unwieldly 20,000mm recoilless cannon set into the forecastle. Only fifteen high explosive shells can be carried due to their incredible weight and size. Ten 300mm cannons and hundreds of smaller calibre guns dot the rest of the surface of this lumbering behemoth, which maneuvers on 4 gigantic tracks. Gas mileage is terrible, and the vehicle must be refueled every 5 kilometers, in spite of having gas tanks with greater volume than Olympic swimming pools.
The operation of the Behemoth is so complicated and difficult that an entire administration wing of 200 personnel is built into the superstructure. There are four fully staffed coffee shops on board, and 100 bathrooms (98 more than the Mark XX, which has greatly increased efficiency). Bathroom line-ups had been found to impair combat efficency.
Slave labourers are often used to carry out menial tasks aboard the vessel in order to free up trained personnel for combat, barrista, or bureaucrat duty.
The vehicles greatest drawback is that at 40,000 tons it often becomes bogged down, even on heavily reinforced asphalt highways; as such, it is often accompanied by a swarm of bulldozers, diggers, and 50 treaded tow trucks equipped with heavy cables.
The retail version comes with ammunition (10 20,0000mm rounds, 5000 of smaller calibre), 3 bulldozers, and a waffle iron.
Crew: 2,900 (plus 400 slave labourers)
Weight: 40,000 tons
Weapons: 20,000mm cannon, 10 300mm cannons, and hundreds of smaller calibre weapons
Armour: 300mm armoured plate (front)
Speed: 10km/h on roads, 5km/h cross country
Design: Cyclopean Motor Co.
Cost: 7 billion
Our Price: 30,000 USD

Paging T. Jefferson Parker! If this bad boy gets in the hands of the Mexican cartels, it's "GAME OVER, BABY! GAME OVER!" Pretty good plot for your next novel, heh? Your valiant if terminally stupid ATFE agent (having inexplicably lost the "B" but gained a vowel, an "E," over the certainly more mundane "ATF") struggles to keep sleazy gun dealers from buying a Behemoth at a gun show in Amarillo and smuggling it across the border to the Mexican cartels disguised as a Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade balloon of Barack Hussein Obama!

Man, imagine the climactic final shootout after the Behemoth collapses the Bridge To Mexico (there is a Bridge To Mexico, isn't there...there should be...there was a Bridge To Terabithia) and the spunky but hot ATFE chicks armed with Ruger .22 Mark IIIs and full-auto .25 submachineguns that look suspiciously like extra-large Nestle Crunch bars (product placement opportunity!) join Our Hero to bring the fire to the cartel thugs armed with AK47s and cans of deodorant with Bic lighters! I'm thinking James Cameron directing, Cameron Diaz as all the spunky ATFE chicks, Martin Sheen as the Bridge To Mexico and Will Farrell as the Behemoth waffle iron!

I get 10% right off the top, BAAAAAAAAA-BEE!

PS: I liked the Buttons of Disillusionment, especially "Optimists Eat Babies!"


Anonymous said...

Goverment motors no bid contract.


Anonymous said...

Seriously, Michael, I'm getting worried about you.
Perhaps an intervention?

Cowboy Blob said...

Hey, Drunk Blogging's Fun! I should do it more often.

Anonymous said...

I guess the BATFE got tired of being called "bat fags."

Kansas Scout said...

I didn't get any of this...

Kansas Scout said...

Maybe it was the medical Marijuana but what the hell, everyone needs a break now and then!
I still like the blog Michael!

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