Friday, November 18, 2005

There's Got To Be a Morning After...

"How many of you who sit in judgement
Have walked the streets of Bakersfield?"
— Buck Owens
The Streets of Bakersfield

Well, not me, except to hike down to a sushi place near the could probably have told me this, but perhaps Bakersfield isn't the optimal place for sushi. I probably won't die from it, but that's as far as I'm willing to go. I wonder if the Hilton has a stomach pump?

In the meantime, I need to address a couple of issues:

• First, SOUTH PARK. I believe in SP the way my aunts and uncles believe in the Gospel, a font of truth in an uncertain world. Kyle and Stan represent the various warring parts of our psyche, with Cartman as the embodiment of the Dark Side. Kenny, of course, dies, and Chef gets laid. What else do you need?

• Next, George Clooney. Wasn't GC a nice guy back when he was playing with his pet pot-bellied pig and didn't open his friggin' mouth? Don't you wish he'd JUST SHUT UP? Or go hang himself? Naw, I guess that would be too much to ask for. Maybe he'll have sex with Paris Hilton and contract some alien-based sexually transmitted disease that'll turn him into a deaf-mute Puggle crossbreed. We can hope! Good night and good luck, moron!

• The Poseideon Adventure remake. It's wrong...just wrong! Where is Shelley Winters? Gene Hackman? Maureen McGovern? The morning after? Jeez, it makes me feel old. It gives me an urge to take a cruise...maybe to New Orleans...

• The morning show style of interviewing. Where Katie "Look at MY Legs, Dog!!!" Couric gives the interview subject the answer to the question..."so when your stepfather locked you in a tiny closet after the false wedding ceremony, were you thinking that you'd like to kill him, like, twice?" The reason they're called INTERVIEWS is that you're trying to ascertain what the interview subject actually thinks, as opposed to what you tell them they think. The only exception to this rant is Anne Curry, who is so dim it's like watching a squid trying to interview Stephen Hawking, and, thusly, entertaining!

Democrats. Which is synonymous with quisling. I can't say I'm all that happy with W, who seems to be channeling FDR in the worst possible way. But Democrats are, as a rule, nauseau-inducing lower lifeforms. Or maybe it's just Democratic politicians...what can you say about a group of people who choose Teddy Kennedy as their guru and spiritual leader? Learn to swim? Don't make him the designated driver? Lock up the Irish whiskey?

Okay, I feel better now...except for my stomach, whch may be terminal, and the undeniable fact that I'm trapped in Kalifornia without a piece of any kind. Maybe I should put some flowers in my hair...


Anonymous said...

I'd like to watch South Park but with my damaged hearing, I just can't understand the little sh#ts!

Makes it hard to get the jokes when all the voices sound like a REALLY crappy AM radio.

Anonymous said...

Once again you show your simplistic and juvenile thought process when you lump all Democrats into one homegenous group. You must have some serious anger issues the way you go one about things like this. Seek therapy and consider decaf.

Michael Bane said...

I tell him I love SOUTH PARK and he accuses me of a simplistic and juvenile thought processes???


Here's a quiz for you...check the appropriate answer:

"I am a Democrat and...
1. I believe Senator Edward Kennedy is...
A. The moral center of our party
B. A great American
C. A brilliant legal mind
D. The fungus that pond scum feeds on

2. Former President Bill Clinton...
A. Speaks for the majority of the free world
B. Is a commanding presence and powerful statesman
C. Is one of our greatest Presidents
D. Can't keep Little Willie in his pants

3. The Trial Lawyers Association is...
A. A bulwark of protection for Americans of all economic strata
B. All that stands between us and predatory corporations
C. Staunch supporters of Democratic ideals
D. A pack of ravening rabid weasels

4. When I see a nativity scene at Christmas, I...
A. Take note of where it is in case it's on public property and I need to file suit
B. Feel sick to my stomach
C. Wonder how come there were no Wise Women in the original story
D. Feel a sense of wonder even if I'm not particularly religious

5. When I see a gun, I...
A. Think my children aren't spending the night at the gunowner's home under any conditions
B. Feel an overwhelming sense of fear
C. Hope the pathetic gunowner gets over his or her paranoia
D. Want to go shooting

If you answered "D" on any of the questions, I might cut you some slack. Otherwise, you're just another Democrat, dude! Besides, didnd't you read last week that decaf is bad for you???


Anonymous said...

Really hard to re-write history when all us old gezzers are still around.